The Art of the Haggle, by Cecil Farthingwell (my nom de plume)

This is Axel. I am home for a day before I am off to NYC for my GM training. Coming home for two days and then leaving again for two and a half weeks is almost worse than not coming home at all. It is like eating one Doritos chip. Ugh. I have a million things I could write about. My wife, my kids, coming back to clean Dubai after living in chaotic Nepal, but yesterday Terah and I did our new favourite hobby which is buying carpets so I thought I would write about the art of the haggle. I have done this in many countries, but the basics are the same no matter where you go.



Step 1 – You have to know the price. Only in America do price tags mean what they say. Many places don’t even have price tags on anything, and even if they do, it is more of a suggestion on where to start rather than what you should pay for it. After living in Nepal for 5 weeks, as near as I can tell nothing has a price tag on it, except for one book I bought for my dad, and even that I got for a 15% discount after some haggling. So you have to do your research. You have to pick a store you aren’t going to buy from and go in and spend half an hour to find out just how low he will go. If they give you a price start at 40% of that. Get to know the guy. Tell him you aren’t really interested, but what does he have. You would rather be somewhere else. You didn’t drive an hour through terrible traffic and bring your kids to a shop to buy carpets. But now that you are here, let’s just see what you got. If this is a big item, you need to do this with at least two other stores. Get the names of the guy you worked with and drop them in the next store. Whatever the lowest price you got from the last guy, tell the new guy he offered a price of 80% of that and you should probably go back there.



Step 2 – Never buy the first time you go. After you selected the store you trust, If you have time, make sure you come back twice before you buy. The first time make them work. Our best time for buying carpets in Dubai was in the middle of the summer. We would go in killer heat and make the Afghanis pull carpet after carpet. They would be dying and we would ask for more to be pulled. Believe me, after that the true prices started to emerge.



Step 3 – Now you know the price, the dealer and what you want – it is time to buy. Come with the exact change in cash you need. Small bills are needed. There is no such thing as getting change during the sale. So be prepared. Make them work again, and when you see what you want DON’T let them know. You have to find fault in the ‘quality’ and compare it again to the shops that are just down the road. It will tick them off. Have some word or sentence that tells your spouse that is what you want with out giving it away. Ie, ‘Oh my gosh, look at that piece of crap!’ works pretty well.



Step 4 – Select twice more than what you want. This way you can get rid of some during the haggling process and they get scared you aren’t going to chose any like last time you were there. When you are down to what you really came to buy, then get them as low as you can go by starting with 80% of the price you got last time. If you speak their language, now is the time to use it as it will further disarm them. Tell them you live there and have lived there for many years. Also tell them if they give you a good price, you have lots of other stupid American friends who you will send back and that is where they will make their money. Then low ball them even more than your price and show the cash. They will refuse it.



Step 5 – the walk away. If you didn’t walk away you got screwed. If they didn’t refuse to take your cash you showed first, you are too high. When you walk away do so with conviction, but keep the cash where they can see it. It kills any haggler to see cash walking away. If they are good, they won’t call after you until you get to your car. If they call back sooner, you just got some small trinkets for free. As you enter the store after ‘the call back’, get them to give you the stuff first, but before you give them the cash, grab something small from their store you also want an insist you get that too because you are getting so screwed on price. These are the ‘bonus gifts’ of the haggle. This is Terah’s job. To be on the look out for what she wants small and grab it as we leave.



Step 6 – Give them a bit more than you haggled for. I learned this one in Croatia. We used to have to buy our veggies at the market (which will happen again in Nepal). So even when you bought tomatoes you would have to haggle. One day I was going to TOWN on a 90 year old lady (who was probably only 42) who didn’t look like she could walk, see or use her left arm very well. You know,’ how can you sell these crappy tomatoes for that price; I will probably get worms from them, if I buy from you; I will have to remember your huge mole with hair on it while I eat them.’ You know, the usually stuff. I got her down from 10 Kuna to 6 Kuna and I was trying to get it down to 5. Then Terah came up and said, Axel, could we go? I told her I almost had her to 5 and all I needed was a few more minutes to figure out how I could use the memory of her dead children to bring the price down any more. Then Terah pointed out “Axel, it is .15 cents. Maybe she needs it more than you”... I gave her the 10 Kuna and called it good.



Step 7 – Buyers remorse. Don’t worry, it will come no matter how good a job you did. In the end, if the transaction happened, the amount of money you paid was more than how much they valued the goods. But don’t worry about that. I remember a story I heard in my econ class in Thunderbird. It was about Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer. One had a frog and the other a cat skull. They went back and forth for an hour and finally they made the trade. And both went away richer. Whenever buyers remorse sets in that is the story I think of.



Plus, where else can you legally give a 90/42 year old woman so much trouble for so little and feel good about it when it is over?

Drive Home

The great thing about my job is I make my own hours. Which means I am usually only gone when my older two are in school and my younger two are taking their morning nap. The odd time, Sedona will wake up before I get back and she will be waiting near the door.

My drive home from work looks like this:



And I am sure you share my daughter's feelings when she said, "Come on, mom. Why would you take a picture of that??" Literally the minute I leave Mirdif, this is what I see for miles. And if it is a real active day, I may see a camel or two.

Then I see this...

As Xavier would tell you, "Its a poop truck!" (Which is always funny to say cause it has the word 'poop' in it.) I see miles of poop trucks, in a line, waiting for their turn at the sanitation plant. I hear the smell is extra special as the weather gets hotter. So sad I am going to miss that.

Then I see dozens of these...

Which just proves that even if you have money, it doesn't mean you have good taste. Seriously, how could someone choose to paint their house pea soup green? I guess you have to be from the desert to understand...

And just before I reach home I see this...

Fluorescent orange? Then they painted the pool fence, and BINGO...It's a sweet combo that kind of makes up for the previous picture. It all makes me happy.

Finally, I see this...

I have arrived!

The Mice Will Play..

Without dear hubby around, I have to get quite creative on the weekends. This weekend I planned a day full of fun and indulgence:

The day began with a visit to the salon. The salon is about a mile away from our house but Heavah was so anxious she asked, "Mom, when are we getting to the saloom?" It was sheer heaven for her. She got a cut, style, manicure and 'the toe one too, please mom'? I have to say, it was a glimpse into future years of many 'girly' outings. Sorry, Axel, it is just too much fun!





Following the salon we went home, ate lunch, and got dressed for the theater. Xavier was not convinced that wearing 'church clothes' somewhere would be any fun. He thought it was some kind of trickery on my part to get him to go back to church for a second day in a row (we go on Fridays here). He made his best plea to continue to wear his spiderman costume, but I wouldn't allow it. You will become refined and cultured, son! I don't care if you are only 4...



We drove to the play, which was ironically, located quite close to the church, confirming all of Xavier's fears. 'I told you mom, we ARE going to church again...!' It wasn't until we arrived at the Madinat Jumeirah (www.madinatjumeirah.com, one of the most beautiful resorts in Dubai) that he dropped his running commentary.

Next, we ate the most delicious, calorie filled, ice cream sundae with cherries, whip cream, and chocolate to the point that they both complained of a stomach ache on the way home (therefore, I knew I did my job). Which, for some odd reason, reminded Xavier of Easter (I can't imagine why) and how he so wished it was Easter again...

Finally, the play was a hit! It was taken from the book, 'The Gruffalo'. It was the British style of theatrics, which made me wonder if the kids would buy the whole 'over acting and very little costuming or effects' thing. But they LOVED it, and bought into the entire scheme. I was thrilled and so were they.



The 'thank you's and 'you're the greatest mom's were excessive, but appreciated. I had a blast and so did they. So, down goes another Saturday...only 3 more to go...sigh.

The Last One

I always knew I would have 4 kids, two boys and two girls. Don't ask me how I knew, I just did. And for me, the string test only confirmed what I already knew (no matter what Axel, and his superstitious ways, told you). What might be creepier to some is that Axel and I both had each child's name ready to go even before we conceived (yah, I know, too much information). It seems wacky to others, but normal to me.

Since Asa was my last, I wanted to make SURE I was not going to conceive again. Therefore, I figured, I had the babies, why not make that Axel's responsibility? He was willing but Dubai law was not. Apparently, no form of permanent sterilization can be performed on an individual unless it is medically necessary (which takes months of paperwork). There's nothing like being under Muslim law. Their gonna make you have those babies whether you like it or not. Who cares if 80% of all residents here in the UAE are not from here. Don't they realize that I am trying to stop more white, christian babies from coming into the world???

As fate would have it, when I went in for my post-op 6 week check up, my Indian doctor said the UAE government just passed a new law and it is now possible for women who have had 3 c-sections (which I have had) to have their tubes tied! Thanks, but your a month too late! So, no resolution has been met, but I am on a mission. Maybe some Himalayan Sherpa wouldn't mind doing the procedure (on Axel, of course) for a few American bucks...

The point is, I know God has his own plan and design and I am willing to comply to whatever that may be, BUT as far as I am concerned, I am done! The first sign of sickness, I repeated, 'It's the last one, its the last one...' The larger my belly got, I repeated, 'It's the last one, its the last one...' And the more tired I got from sleepless nights, I repeated, 'It's the last one, it's the last one...' Such words provided me comfort and reassurance.

However, now that I see my adorable and sweet child grow, those words do more than just calm my insanity. Instead, they provide me with a reminder that this child will be an ending of a most beautiful stage in my life. It is a stage that has given me 4 adorable gifts from heaven, and therefore, I am determined to cherish ever second and every moment. And as I sit here, weepy eyed, I thank the Lord that he gave me just this 'last one...'

Bahasa Indonesia

When I first heard we were moving to Dubai, I was somewhat excited to learn Arabic. Which shows my ignorance at the time because no one comes to Dubai and learns Arabic. In fact, I think Axel has used his arabic far less here than when he was working with Iraqi refugees in Utah those many years ago. So, how was I going to solve this problem? I had to learn a language somehow! That is one of the fun parts about living overseas.

Axel then decided that whoever we were going to sponsor as our maid, one of the requirements was that she could not speak English. We only learn out of necessity, right? Imagine the agency's surprise when this American couple walks into the office, looks through their profile books (catalogued by nationality, age, height, and weight- seriously), and requests that their maid not speak any English. One of them corrected me by saying 'You mean only speaks English?' Nope, she shouldn't speak a lick of my language, please.

We went through the various pages and found Haleni. As a result, she went to her 'training maid/nanny camp' and during those few weeks while she was enroute to Dubai, I studied Indonesian MTC style. Every room and item in the house practically had a post-it note with its corresponding Indonesian name.

When Haleni arrived, I realized that if I wanted anything done, I had to speak to her in her language. It was painful, but really fun! And wouldn't you know, I learned it just fine. Now, it is all I speak during the day and therefore, Sedona only really hears Indonesian while the other kids are at school. In fact, her first few words were only Indonesian.

There are two fun things about knowing this language: First, the strange looks I get as I am out and about with my maids. No one can believe that a white person would choose to not speak English, let alone speak a 'maid's language' to her child. Second, it is one of the very few languages that Axel doesn't know. Finally he looks at me and asks 'What did they say?'

This is why I enjoy Bahasa Indonesia:

1. 'Orangutan' (an indonesian word) literally means 'jungle people'

2. 'Same-same' means 'like this' (the kids LOVE saying that)

3. 'Mata hari' means the 'day's eye', which is the sun

4. 'Bangun' means 'wake' and 'stand', which is a reminder to me that when I wake, I should stand, instead of rolling over and staring at the wall in a coma-like state a while.

5. 'Thank you' has the word 'give' in it

6. 'Kadung-Kadung' means 'sometimes'...just try saying it...isn't it fun?

7. 'Main' means 'play' and 'have sex', which should go together don't you think?

and finally, my favorite:

8. The root of the word 'istirahat' (to rest) is 'wife'. Now that is a language I want to know!

Laxing

One of the main things we will miss about living here is the trip to Muscut, Oman. We will especially miss the resort we alway stayed at, the Shangri-La. We tried to make a visit every 6 months or so since we moved here. The kids loved it there because they could pool hop, and the resort had a lot of planned activities for the kids. By the end of the every night the kids would just collapse in bed.

After a ton of running and pool hopping our family found a big hot tub. Each one of us jumped in. As we sat there, Xavier (3 years old at the time) turned to me and said, 'This is great! We're here, just laxing and do'n nothing'. This statement was hilarious to me on two accounts: first, Xavier had the capability of putting those words together like that; second, Xavier had never 'laxed' in his entire life! How did he even know what that meant???

Ever since, we have used this expression to remind us that even if you have the 3 year old wiggles, sometimes it is just nice to 'lax and do nothing.'

American Academy for Girls

It has been interesting having my children in private schools, not quite the same experience I had when I was growing up. This is especially true with Heavah's school. Although it is an 'American' school, Heavah is truly one of the very few Caucasian Americans there. This is the main reason why Heavah is in the majority of the school's marketing materials. I found it odd at the beginning of the year that they always wanted Heavah in the picture, 'Come here, stand next to Heavah', 'Heavah, Look over there and smile', 'Will Heavah be dressed in her usual uniform tomorrow? They will be taking some photos.' I then started hearing from others that they saw Heavah in the latest catalogue or newspaper. Sure enough, she became the 'poster child' of the AAG school. I am not sure how good this is for my daughter's ego???

The large majority of students at AAG are Emirati. I am sure since most of you are fully aware of gas prices these days, I don't need to tell you that the majority of Emiratis are stinky rich. Here are some examples:

Transportation: Most all children are driven by their chauffeurs in their Bentley or Porche SUV (which I didn't even know existed until I got to Dubai!), and the nanny delivers the child to the class. It is so different from when I was a kid and I had to take that hideous orange bus, you know the one, with the green tattered pleather seats; and the scary large bus driver who looked like a man but really her name was 'Marge'.



Cleanliness: When I walked into Heavah's school my jaw dropped. I don't think there was a speck of dust on the floor. In fact, Heavah's teacher (who is Canadian) said that one of her students who recently came here from America had to go to the bathroom. When the teacher took her she realized that the child was taking so long. She asked, 'Are you okay?' The girl answered 'Yes, I am just placing toilet paper on the seat." All us Dubai ex-pat folk can laugh at that because we know that that particular toilet was probably scrubbed clean, with a toothbrush and a magnifying glass 5 to 10 minutes ago. They have a full on staff to do just that one thing. Hum, when I was in school we were lucky to find toilet paper to use on the toilet seat let alone our butts. Cause gosh knows that the poor lone janitor, who just turned 70 yesterday, will be lucky if he makes it to the girls bathroom by next week.

Events: Thousands and thousands of dollars are poured into the school's extravagant affairs. I was on the parent committee and we were discussing a fashion show that was going to take place at the school. As we were in a heated discussion as to how we were going to fund the food, one of the mothers said, 'Ugh, I am tired of talking about this, I will just pay for it.' There goes $5000 from that woman's pocket. It was an expensive way to end the conversation.The event involved catered food from a 5 star hotel, fashions from the most expensive stores, and a professional salon. Additionally, there were blackened windows because it was a 'women's only' event and I finally got to see all my friends without their abayas on. Flashy and sooo much fun! In my childhood, we were breaking the bank with streamers and popcorn (with salt and butter, maybe).



Education: Finally, each classroom at Heavah's school consists of a teacher and sometimes two teacher's aids. Pretty good for a class of 15 girls! Heavah amazes me with her knowledge and maturity, some of which can be directly attributed to her education. I wish I got to play at her school during the day with their elaborate costume corner and playtime store! My middle school classes consisted of 34 students, which actually turned out okay for me cause the exhausted, stressed out teacher rarely noticed me sleeping in the back.

It is odd to think that my children's childhood will never be like mine. It is something you come to accept after you move overseas. Either way, despite the Gucci bags and Jimmy Choo shoes, I am thankful for AAG and the fact that it has given my daughter a love of reading,learning, and an appreciation for others who are not quite like her.

Unlikely Advice

I really do have the best job in the entire world. I never knew I could love teaching and consulting so much. I almost feel guilty for getting paid. I am an Associate Professor at a management school in Academic City. It is a MBA school with 98% Indian students (check it out, www.spjaindubai.org. You can see me under 'Faculty'). The funny thing is my work has become more of an education for me. I have discovered so many things about the Indian culture and the more I learn, the more I love it.

First off, it is odd to work with people who are used to the caste system. I have never been called madame so many times in my life. Imagine also, they never sit in my office unless they are invited to do so. Who died and made me queen? I have water given to me whenever I need it, and I get to eat the most delicious Indian food in the cafeteria. In addition, I have had my palm read, given 'how to wear a sari' tips, and told I can't wear high heels when I am pregnant (who said so??? Apparently every Indian doctor).

Along with teaching, I provide resume consultations and conduct mock interviews. I am sometimes shocked by the advice I give:

"Definitely add 'Been in a Bollywood movie' to your resume, all of Southeast Asia will love you for it"

"Saying 'Hitler is someone you admire the most' probably won't make you the favorite person in the room"

"Tamil, Malayalam, Gujarati, Bengali and Urdu are all languages that won't matter so much in the business world"

"By telling me you have a wife and you are currently trying to have kids will not necessarily help you get more money"

"Give me more details about how you tried to make those from the Indian villages take their money from the gold they own and put it into your bank."

"Putting 'junkie' in your interests is probably not a good idea" (He liked to make things out of recycled 'junk'.)

The list goes on...I will add to this as things come back to my memory.

What amazes me the most about working with these great students is the fact that they are typically the person you talk to when you have a problem with your printer, computer, etc. They are on the other end of the line answering all of your technical problems back in India. I hear their stories first hand. One girl managed a manufacturing plant for GAP. She described to me a time when the plant was behind on their shipment because the dryers were not working properly. She had a large order that needed to be sent to the US for Baby GAP. She said she personally paid for the shipment to be sent priority so that it would make it there on time. And there I am (or you)...asking the sales girl in the US, when is the new season of clothes going to arrive???

One of my students worked on a shipping boat. He had travelled all over the world. I asked him to describe to me a time when he was under pressure. He said this, "One time we were dealing with treacherous weather. As a result, the crew were trying to stabilize everything on deck. Unfortunately, one of our crew-who we all knew and loved-was struck by a heavy object and died. I was the manager of the deck and so I had to ensure our other crew members were able to continue to perform and focus until we safely made it to our destination. I had to care for the body and manage the rest of the members who were distraught and saddened." Uh, yeah, that would be a good example.

I have heard so many incredible stories. It has opened a whole new world to me. I enjoy every second. However amongst all of the stories, the one time I really knew I was working in a unique environment was when I heard someone say this,

"I live for today. Life is too short. I definitely never diet. I always think, this may be the only time I am a human. In the next life, I could very well be a crocodile. Who wants to eat fish all their life?"

Not me.

Dialogue between a 5 and 4 year old

Our electricity is out in our kitchen. We first blew the stove and now the hot plate I bought has burnt out each outlet in the kitchen. No more fancy food for us or at least until the house guy comes to fix it (surely two weeks from now after several harassing phone calls from me, ugh).

As a result, I was driving with Heavah, Xavier and Sedona in the car to get some take out. As we were driving around Sedona began to scream (she has taken Axel being gone the hardest) for no apparent reason. The conversation then began like this:

Xavier - “Sedona, you are being a butt.”
Heavah (quick to correct him) - “Xavier, she is not being a butt, she is tired and hungry and she is trying to tell us that she needs food and water.”
Xavier - “Sedona, you are being a butt.”
Heavah – “No Xavier, she doesn’t want to make bad choices, she just needs food and water. She is trying to tell mommy that.”
Xavier – “Sedona, you are being a butt.”
Heavah – “Really Xavier, she just wants to tell mommy something.”
Xavier – “A butt, a butt, a butt (in a musical tone)”
Heavah – “You just don’t understand.”
Xavier – “A butt.”

Infacol

If I didn't know better I would serious believe in Infant Bipolar Disorder. My brand new baby (who isn't so brand new any more, two months today) seems to have taken on two very different personas. At times, he is the sweetest child in the world who can just make your heart melt. Other times he seems to be Rosemary's baby, not mine. He obviously had a bad case of gas and I was about to label him--the dreaded word-- 'colicky'. I don't know what is worse, knowing your poor child is in pain, or knowing you can't do a damn thing about it.

Before


After two weeks of screaming (one of which was when Axel was home) I needed to seek some help. One of the greatest things about Dubai is they are liberal with pharmaceutical drugs. They seem to have a drug for everything and you can obtain just about anything over the counter. If you want antibiotics, the only question they ask is how many packs. It can be really great when you have had 4 kids and can easily identify a bacterial infection as opposed to a virus. No more pointless visits to the doctors.

I went to a local pharmacy here to see if they had any miracle drug. Wouldn't you know they did! It is called Infocal. The stuff has transformed my baby from a kid I was williing to sell to a child labor camp back into the sweet child I love and adore. If I religiously use it, he is content and happy.

After



The happiest part of this story is in only a few short months this will all be a moot point. No more gassy babies for me. I can just admire others and be happy in knowing I put my time in...

Missing Daddy

Over the past 5 years I have come to terms with the fact that I am not the favorite parent in this household. Although I know my children love me dearly, I also know they would much rather spend an afternoon with daddy than with mommy. Who wouldn't when you can eat all the sugar cereal you could dream of, make any mess you want with no intention of ever cleaning it up, and buy any cheap toy made in china with no regard to the fact it will break within the first hour it is bought. This is why having Axel gone is never fun for anyone. We have made it through a few more days and have another week and a half to go. At that point, Axel will be here for only a few short hours before he must board a plane to NY for another two and a half weeks. There are some great things about living overseas but the transitions just stink! We miss you daddy!

Nain

When Axel and I first came to Dubai we were so enamoured by the Iranian Carpets. Without knowing it, we both coveted the same carpet-the Nain. I am not sure why this particular carpet draws my attention each time, but it does. Axel and I decided that before we leave Dubai we will buy this handmade beauty. After many trips to the blue souk, home visits from the Yemini dealers, and discussions with carpet salesmen in the mall we finally found a price we were willing to pay and a quality that we were willing to accept. Axel came home for 10 days this month and we did it! We were so proud of ourselves. We haggled and got the exact carpet we wanted for the exact right price.
Ever since, Axel and I have been obsessing over carpets. While he was here, we bought 7 other large machine made carpets in Hatta. I don't know what is more fun, seeing how low the afghanis will go, or opening up our new addition and seeing how it fits in our home. Now we just need to buy another handmade Kashmiri carpet and the collection will be complete! (Not really, there is always room for more beautiful carpets...).

Arabian Princess

Heavah loves to go into Sumi and Haleni's room because they have all the make up and beauty products any 5 year old could dream of. After listening to some commotion in their room Heavah came out looking like this. Most little girls in the middle east are fascinated with the whole abaya thing. In Dubai you see all sorts. Some even have real diamond designs on them! Although the point of the Abaya is to be inconspicuous in public, many of these abayas draw a lot of attention!

Leav'n

I am impressed with how easy this blogging thing is. It may very well be easier to do this than write in my journal the old fashion way. I just wish I started this a year or so back.
We are one month away from leaving Dubai. Axel is in Nepal preparing for our lives there. It is me, the two maids and my load of crazy, cute kids! They are really so fun and I am glad that friends and famly back home can get to know them a little more through this blog.