Brain Tumor

This is Axel again. In fall of 2003 I was had been working at ALICO for about 8 months. Our first daughter was born (Heavah Saxon, 11 months) and Terah was pregnant with a boy. Life was tough at the office as I was trying to learn both the job and business culture (a little different from non profit).

I just started to get into insect/butterfly collection and was doing some fake bonsai collections.

Other than a clear liquid coming from my nose periodically (which I was later told was spinal fluid) I had no health issues. But then I started getting headaches. At first they were every week, then every three days then every day. Always behind my eyes and always pretty bad. I figured it was simply because I was getting old and I was working and stressed, but what to do? None of that would change so press on.

A trip my dad took out to see us just after the surgery.

I LOVED catching these black rat snakes. I didn't bring any home because I think in a fight they would have won over Shylock....

I did however bring these guys home when I found them. They were awesome pets. Gotta love Delaware...

But the headaches got worse and worse. I was convinced that one of the many ticks I would find on me after the weekend’s forest outings had somehow infected me with Lyme’s diseases and so after really bad headache, I finally went into get blood work. They said it would take two weeks to get the results. I remember going home that night in so much pain I couldn’t sleep laying down, I had to lay with my feet on the floor and my head propped up. At last I couldn’t take it any longer and we went into the hospital.

They started by saying, well, let’s get a CAT scan just to eliminate all the nasty stuff and then we will find out what is really bothering you. After the scan they hooked me up to a morphine drip and for the first time in about three weeks, I felt OK. Well, truth be told, better than OK. Being Mormon, drugs, alcohol or even coffee were not in my system. So the drugs worked better than rather well! So THAT is what all the hype was about!

After an hour the doctors started walking around the door to our room, looking in and then leaving. I told my wife, this isn’t a good sign. She kept patting my hand and saying I am sure it will be OK. She was 9 months pregnant and NOT on morphine. I should have been the one telling her that.

After three hours the doctor who drew the short stick came in to show us the CAT scan and tell us I had a pretty massive brain tumor. Yep, sure enough, there it was, right where my pituitary gland should be.

It is quite a shock to hear you have a brain tumor. They tell you stuff after that, but honestly you don’t really listen. You just think really? Tumor? In the brain? That can’t be good…

But I got an amazing calm feeling come over me that everything would be OK. On top of the morphine feeling. I told Terah I felt like everything would be OK. And she said, “You know hun, I do too. I feel like we have some battles to fight, but we will be OK”. It also helped that I remembered my cousin Paige (Wycoff now– both Paige and Jeff are awesome people) had one removed when she was young and she lived and was doing great! I had hope.

We met all the doctors who told us how they would take the tumor out (break the nose, go up through it with a little laser and grabber and rip it out…) and for about a week and a half I stayed in the hospital on drugs getting ready for the operation. My mother-in-law and sister-in-law came down to stay with us and take care of Heavah and Terah and I spent almost every minute of everyday together in the hospital. My boss Dan Costello also stepped up to the plate. They guy was totally supportive in visiting and he and his wife Ann took great care of Terah. This is just one reason why he has been the best boss I have every had.

Dan Costello - the ACTUAL world's best boss. As a Country Manager now I still ask myself 'What would Dan do in this situation' and act accordingly.

For Terah I am sure sitting for 15 hours a day in an uncomfortable chair was not what a 9 month pregnant woman wanted to do, but she did it with a smile on her face and was always so positive and funny to be around. I remember thinking how in the hell did I get so lucky to have you as a wife?

I remember the day before the surgery two things happened. One, a hair dresser to the stars in Hollywood DIED in surgery from the exact same operation; and two, Terah and I sat on a small hill and played cards outside in the sun. I wondered if this was it. Would I ever get a chance to see my son born? Would I ever get a chance to see my daughter grow up? What would happen? Regardless of the feelings of calm I had earlier, I was scared. I wanted more time with Terah. I realized that even if I die and went to heaven, if she wasn’t there, then it wouldn’t be much of a heaven at all. I vowed if I lived I would cherish everyday I would have with her after that. You hear that from everyone who feels like the end is near, but let me tell you, it really happens. In a way you can’t describe.

The operation came. It took almost an hour and a half longer than they thought. Terah was in the waiting room and overheard some of the doctors speaking frantically. I guess all the aspirin I had taken (around 10 a day before coming to the hospital) had made me bleed much more than normal. Sometimes I wonder if I had a NDE. I had some really spiritual insights and visions afterwards, but that is another story for another time.

They had to put a drainage needle in my spinal column to drain away the spinal fluid as it was putting too much pressure on the operation and that week I spent in ICU was no picnic with that things sticking in my lower back, hands, arms fingers…. It felt like someone had lodged a knife in the middle of my head and wiggled it every 10 minutes just to remind me I was alive.

Terah was there every day to support me. Jane and Rob (sister and bother in law) also came down from Philly to see us. It was a huge boon to see them and be so close to them.

Jane and Rob. We miss those days being so close to them.

My mom came out and brought some MoTab and a CD player. I remember one night Terah rubbing my feet, listening to MoTab and getting my shot. It was the one time in that awful place I felt OK.

My mom's trip back. Terah is days away from giving birth.

I was pretty much talking nonsense to Terah about how she needed to do more so we could make more money and pay off debt. This is after she had just picked up vomit and diarrhea from Heavah and had to drive back and forth all the time. But she never complained. She just rubbed my feet, tried to be positive and make me laugh. She did everything perfectly and never mentioned what she was going through. I can’t imagine what it was like for her, but I am sure there were many times she wanted to rip out my morphine drip and stick it in her veins just to make it through.

And I can't tell you how great the people in Delaware to us. Both the members of our church and those at my work. They did more for us than I can say, but dinners, phone calls, visits. They just never ended. People I had had lunch with were having all their friends pray for us. It was all more touching than I can tell you. Real examples of how to act when someone is in trouble.

The day I came home from the hospital. Heavah, 11 months, Terah 9 months pregnant

In the end after a few scares of having to go on hormone replacements for the rest of my life, I got back home and tried to enjoy all the time I had with Terah and Heavah while recovering. My best friend from high school Dave Alizo visited and it was almost worth having the brain tumor just to see him again.

Dave isn't a friend. He is my brother.

And then, only weeks after, Xay was born. It was an emergency C-section, and he didn’t breathe for it seemed too long, but after all was OK, I remember holding him in my arms thanking God that he gave us both a chance to be more than two ships passing in the night. To be a real dad and get to know him.

The happy day. Everyone is OK and healthy. And hours after a c-section, my wife is still the hottest woman in the world.

I still think about that now when we do stuff together. Every day is a gift. And honestly the love I felt for my wife then is nothing compared to what I feel for her now. You know something is from God when it starts good and gets better. I know my marriage to Terah is the greatest blessing from God I have or will ever have and I try to act accordingly. I fail a lot, but I keep trying.

Life is too short regardless of how long it is.

Enjoy every minute. That last fight you had with your loved one probably isn’t worth it. You can never hug your kids enough or call your mom and dad and tell them you love them enough.

We will all have our turn to pass through to the other side for real regardless of if or how many times we get a practice run. When it happens for real, take it from someone who looked over the edge for a few brief days. The Beatles had it right. ‘And in the end, the love we take is equal to the love we make’

No better time than right now. I think I am going to give my wife a kiss and tickle my kids.